Learning Curve
by PlutoSapphire
Summary: Ahsoka has learned many things throughout her life, yet she still has so much she doesn't know. [Learning moments throughout Ahsoka's life for the Star Wars Fictober Challenge on Tumblr.]
1. First

Ahsoka's first breath of freedom smelled of speeder exhaust and petrichor. Her first _real_ breath of freedom. Not the trips away from the Temple for weeks on end, only to return to solitude from the rest of the galaxy again. Real, _tangible_ freedom that she could feel weighing down on her shoulders - the fact that the only person she was responsible for was herself. The only person she could really count on was herself.

Before, her freedom had been restrained. She'd be out one day, helping and trying her absolute best to be a good person, and then be sent back to the Temple, isolated. Once her missions ended, Ahsoka would end up right back where she started, as if the Force were to say, "Silly girl. You can't have that," in regards to her freedom. But now control was hers. Her first real breath of freedom seeped in through her lips, the authenticity of it shaking the girl to her core.

She took off running, both physically and spiritually, into the void of the unknown, away from her past and away from her future, as she feared them both. Her first step into freedom was so refreshing, so emancipating that there seemed no ground to walk on. She wasn't happy or sad, jubilant or melancholy. She was just… free.

But freedom came at a cost: the crushing realization that she was completely, utterly, undeniably alone.


	2. Island

Ahsoka Tano was an island. She had no reason to let anyone in. She had her friends, the people who considered themselves close to her, but the girl would never let anyone truly close to her. Even Master Plo wasn't on this island of hers. He was just off the coast of it, on the brink of being close to her. No doubt she trusted and loved him like no one else, but it just wasn't enough. She wanted to let him in but just wouldn't - is physically pained her that she was unable to. If she was to be honest with herself, she was scared. Scared someone might breech her barriers, walk onto her shore, and betray her - stab her in the back. She couldn't trust her own family to make the right decisions for her; why should she trust anyone else? So she was an island. She was an island of hopes and dreams and solitude, one that had never been discovered by another. Until he came along.

Apprenticeship is a pivotal point in a Jedi's life. It determines what the rest of your career will be like, how you'll end up - possibly dead. When she saw the man who was to be her Master, she had no reason to trust him, no reason to let him get close to her island. Anakin Skywalker was just like everyone else. They think they know you when they really don't. Except he wasn't.

This man had a heart like no one she'd ever known. He didn't come off as if that were the case, but it was reality, and not everything is as it seems on the outside. Ahsoka saw a man, barely twenty, who loved fiercely and felt acutely, a type of person she never thought existed. Yet he did - he was as real and as hurt as she was, probably more so.

With that, her walls crumbled; her island became visible to him. Ahsoka, for the first time since the event that pumped mistrust into her veins, let someone in. She let her Master in knowing that doing so may very well be the biggest mistake of her life.

Yet she never came to regret it.


	3. Emotion

She had always been told that emotions were to be repressed and dispelled into the Force, that emotion hindered your true self. Being told this all these years at the Temple ingrained it in her mind. For the longest time, her mind had never dared to venture beyond the realm of what she was told about emotion. Little Ahsoka thought that the adults were right. But fourteen-year-old Ahsoka knew something different.

She had walked onto the Resolute overwhelmed, tired, and devastated. The losses had been high, even if they did win the battle in the end. All Ahsoka wanted to do was push her emotions down deeper, try to repress them and keep them from interfering with her usual charisma. The Padawan had been fighting back tears all day, trying to keep her focus on the task at hand: freeing a colony on a Separatist inhabited planet. Now she finally had time to release them into the Force.

If she thought about it, she would know that Ahsoka didn't work that way. The Ahsoka she was didn't push her emotions into the abyss, but instead released them. She just didn't know _how_.

Ahsoka sat down on a crate in the hangar of the Resolute, closing her eyes tight. Just a little while longer until they would be back at the Temple…

Anakin walked up to her, trying his best not to surprise her. "You okay, Snips?" He asked, sitting down next to her.

The girl murmured a slight "Mhmm," and continued to stare at the floor.

"You know, Ahsoka, it's okay to not be okay." He paused and took another look at her, observing her posture hadn't changed. "You just have to know how to deal with what you're feeling."

"I-I know all that," she replied, her voice cracking slightly.

"I don't think you do." He lowered his voice. "If you have to cry, then cry. It's okay. Trust me."

She looked at him, big azure eyes filling with tears. "Can we go somewhere else first?"

"Sure, Snips."

Ahsoka got up slowly and walked out of the hangar with her Master, his hand on her back, rubbing her shoulders gently. With that, the girl started to cry. She leaned into Anakin as they walked down the hallway, trying to get away from the pain - a pain which, sadly, they would never escape.

But Ahsoka knew one thing more than she did as a child: emotions were to be released, not repressed.


	4. Flight

Run. That was all her mind was screaming at her to do. There wasn't any certainty in this place. Ahsoka had no idea where she was or how to get away. All the Togruta knew was that there was a group of Trandoshans after her, trying to kill her for sport. The concept was sick, dripping with disregard for decency or dignity. But there wasn't time to worry about that now. She just had to focus on getting out of this place - and taking as many of the captured with her as possible.

With no plan and no certainty, she dashed off into the brush, hearing blaster cannon shots burrowing into the ground in her wake. In all honesty, she was scared - although she'd never admit it out loud. What if she died here? What a disgraceful way to go. Trapped on what seemed to be an island with no refuge in sight...

She stopped her thoughts there, afraid of what they might turn into. No, Ahsoka needed to focus on escaping the the initial barrage of quaking cannon blasts and splatters of blood that followed her up the beach. Even worse for her, she had never been here before, making finding a safe place to hide out even more complicated than it already was.

Ahsoka Tano came to the only plausible conclusion her mind could offer her: flight was necessary in situations like this. Before you can help anyone else (and make a difference, at that), you need to help yourself.


	5. Game

Ahsoka pinned her Idiot's Array on the table with the zero, two, and three cards facing upwards on the table, so everyone could see. She'd won another game of Sabacc - her third of the two days they'd been travelling on the Resolute. It was her favorite game, only because it was to easy to cheat at. Honestly, any game that uses a suspension field is plenty simple enough for a Force user to manipulate.

"Again, Sir?" Rex asked, raising an eyebrow. Sometimes the men got suspicious of her winnings. Ahsoka wasn't quite sure if they knew she was cheating half the time, so she had to vary whether she used the Force to aid her or not. Let Anakin call it unnecessary use of the Force. She knew her Master - it wasn't like he didn't do it too.

"Apparently, Rex," she replied, sliding her cards off the Sabacc table, therefore concluding the game.

Fives slit his eyes at her teasingly from across the table and Echo smirked.

"I think you're cheating, Commander." Fives commented, leaning forward on the table.

"Yeah," Echo agreed, true to his name.

Ahsoka blushed, previously convinced no one knew of her little scheme. What could she say? The game was more fun when you cheated! "Not… exactly."

"How are you 'not exactly' cheating?" Echo asked, making finger quotes. Fives quickly slapped his fingers down, muttering something about how finger quotes are stupid.

The Padawan stifled a giggle and tried to keep a straight face. "You see, I only use the Force when-"

"Ahsoka?"

She whipped her head around to see Anakin leaning on the doorframe, arms and ankles crossed.

"We need you up on the bridge, Snips. There's a plan I wanna run over with you."

"Alright, Anakin."

She looked at the clones and shrugged apologetically. Her eyes sparkled mischievously, glad not to share her strategy with the boys. Besides, they were smart enough to figure it out. Force, they were some of the most intelligent people she knew.

Ahsoka skipped off to meet her Master, leaving the boys grumbling in her wake.


	6. Friend

**Yo! I haven't gotten to talk to you guys reading, so here's a quick A/N. I'm sorry I missed however many days - two-ish? - so here's two in one day for y'all. I'm sorry in advance for what I'm about to subject you to, so here's an Internet cookie. Unless you're allergic... to... cookies...? Who knows? Maybe it's a thing. Thank you for everyone who has favorited and followed or just read Learning Curve. I'm sincerely enjoying writing this and I hope you're enjoying the read. If you have any ideas or feedback or just wanna say hi, leave a review. NOW GRAB YOUR TISSUES - THIS ONE'S GONNA BE A TOUGHIE.**

"The members of the court have reached a decision." Ahsoka couldn't tell whose voice this was. It just echoed through the hollow chamber, the sound waves hitting her montrals eerily muted. Tension had closed off all positive emotions days ago, save for the joyous leap in her heart when Anakin and Padme entered her cell. Everything just seemed muted and gray as the courtroom.

"Ahsoka Tano," the Chancellor began, rising from his seat. Ahsoka's heart pulsed faster, causing her to subtly quake with every beat. "By an overwhelming count of-"

She didn't even hear the door open, just a voice cutting the Chancellor off. That voice was unmistakably Anakin's. She'd never forget it.

"Chancellor."

Ahsoka turned slowly, not wanting to make everyone think she _was_ guilty. One wrong move and her life was over.

"I hope you have a reason for bursting into our proceedings, Master Skywalker," the Chancellor said, not much emotion in his voice at all. He seemed rather stoic on the whole matter, not at all phased by whatever this overwhelming count might be.

"I am here with evidence and a confession from the person responsible for all the crimes Ahsoka has been accused of." He turned, letting the Temple guards reveal who this person was.

"Barriss Offee: member of the Jedi Order - and _traitor_."

Ahsoka's eyes widened. This couldn't be right. Barriss was being selfless, right? Turning herself in to save her. Why? How could Barriss sabotage herself like this? She'd made such a good name for herself in the Order - why forfeit it?

"Barriss? Is that true?" Ahsoka asked, waiting for the lie her friend would tell to settle over their audience.

"Tell them the truth," Anakin demanded the newly accused, a dangerous tone in his words. He didn't know she was lying, did he?

Barriss walked to the front of the platform, staring past Ahsoka and into the hovering camera droid. "I did it." The words slipped from her lips - not too loud, not too soft. At that moment, Ahsoka realized that Barriss, one of her best friends, wasn't lying. Those words were the honest-to-Force truth. They hung in the air, stale and impassive. They echoed throughout the chamber for a second, and Barriss let them linger. Then she confessed. Her motive was clear and concise. And the worst part? She was right. This Republic _was_ failing.

Ahsoka's head fell, and she felt burning behind her eyes; in her temple. Barriss was right - her _friend_ was _right_. But was she really her friend? Even if she was correct, was Barriss still her friend now? After this?

But Ahsoka didn't _want_ to know. The only thing she truly wanted to do was to weep - for Barriss; for who used to be her friend.


	7. Absent

When Ahsoka woke up, she couldn't feel anything. Not her legs, her arms, her montrals… nothing. She couldn't tell if she was in pain or free of it, and she certainly couldn't tell what she was lying on. The girl opened her eyes to a bright light, of which she assumed was the med bay. Aside from her bed at the Temple or on the Resolute, the med bay was the one place she woke up in the most. And the one thing she hated about it the most was the fact that it was the brightest white imaginable.

Squinting, she sat up and let her eyes adjust to the light. Space was visible out the window with no other ships in sight. In her mind, that only could mean two things: you were safe or about to be ambushed. There was no inbetween.

"Ahsoka?" A voice asked gently. It was unmistakably Anakin's, although it took a few milliseconds for her brain to catch up - which was strange.

"Hey, Master," she greeted quietly, rubbing her back lekku, then laying back down.

He walked over to the cot and sat in the chair next to it. Only now did she notice that he was holding a mirror. Nothing fancy, just a square mirror with a black plastic frame and glass clean and pristine as the med bay. She shook the thought away and locked eyes with her friend, who leaned closer to her, as if about to talk quietly to her.

"You were in the bacta tank over night," he muttered, keeping his voice low and averting eye contact near the end of the statement.

Ahsoka, observing his lack of eye contact, looked around the room. She was starting to pick up on her surroundings, the fuzzy Force signatures of the clones, the static emptiness of the med droids, and… another Jedi? As far as she knew, there were only two - she and Anakin. But…

"Master, what happened?"

He blinked, risked a short gaze at her, then looked away.

Instead of answering, he asked, "Can I check your back, Snips?"

"Sure," Ahsoka replied, sitting up.

Realization set her heart into overdrive for a split second. They weren't on the Resolute, were they? But she couldn't remember what happened - if anything at all. It was as if her memory were absent. Had she been knocked out? Or was there some damage regarding her that she didn't know about?

Ahsoka ceased thinking with the feeling of Anakin touching the skin on her back. He brushed an oval on her back with his gloved fingers, gently caressing her skin as if to avoid whatever was in the center.

"I just want you to take a look at this," he said, handing her the mirror.

She took it from him, nodding silently. He took another small mirror from the table and positioned it so she could see her back through hers. What she saw was a massive scar - what remained of what she could only assume was ripped, bloody skin and gushing blood. Having no memory of how she obtained it in the first place, she just sat there, baffled.

"How-?"

"That's not… just…" Anakin took a breath, then continued, "I'm sorry."

"But what happened? And why aren't we on the Resolute?"

"It's in for repairs. We were attacked," he said, obviously not wanting to go into too much detail. "You got hurt and… we're on the Negotiator now."

Ahsoka wracked her memory for any indication, any clue that they had been attacked, but came up empty. She didn't care about the scar. It was the absence of her memory that bothered her the most.


	8. Winter

Ahsoka was certain that the temperature aboard their shipment vessel was plunging into the negatives. Having been told to rupture the coolant system just minutes ago, she was surprised at how quickly the ship became a frozen hunk of metal. The lone Padawan wandered down the hall as quietly as she could with her arms glued to her chest in an effort to keep warm, on the lookout for rogue worm-possessed people. She hadn't seen Barriss in forever… She was beginning to get a bit uneasy about her friend's safety.

Crystals of ice were beginning to become visible on the ship's interior, tiny bits of ice crackling under her boots as she walked gingerly across the floor. Every time she breathed, Ahsoka could see it. She had a lower body temperature already, but her outfit was more for a Geonosian climate - she definitely wasn't prepared for the settling frost.

The small Togruta found an entrance to the ventilation system and jumped inside, doing her best to avoid the seemingly possessed clone troopers walking down the hall. As much as she hated to admit it, they were her enemies right now and she couldn't trust them.

When they were out of earshot from her, she hissed from the pain on her hands, of the cold seeping through her gloves. Ahsoka had heard of seasons being generated unnaturally, but on a ship? This was most likely an uncommon feat. There was an internal winter aboard this transport, and she may very well die here. She could be frozen to the bone, or, even more terrifying, killed by her own allies.

As she continued to crawl through the vent, all she could hope was that Master Skywalker wasn't worrying too much. He had the tendency to do that.


	9. Flaw

She was reckless.

That's what Anakin told her, that's what Master Plo told her, and that's what Barriss implied in some of their conversations. It _was_ something she could help, but it was something that was extremely hard to fix. How do you just stop being something? Ahsoka would ask herself. Maybe it took concentration and focus. Maybe it took time. Maybe it took will. Whatever it took, she was sure of one thing: she just couldn't figure it out.

Master Skywalker would bring up her recklessness sometimes when they talked after missions. The two usually had some time alone together, so striking up a conversation never seemed that bad of an idea. Occasionally, they'd avoid the topic altogether, but it would worm its way into their words sometimes. Of course, Anakin was way more reckless than she was, and that usually won her the benefit of the doubt.

With Master Plo, because of their closeness, he often talked to her about things she could improve on. Unlike with Anakin, she didn't usually critique Master Plo's techniques. Rather, she let him give her advice, instruct her on what she could do better. As it must, the topic of her recklessness came up periodically. She would explain to him that, in the moments when it was mostly an issue, there was no time to think. There were usually two main options: jump in or die. He would tell her to think, but there was never any time to.

With Barriss, Ahsoka felt she could talk openly - well, more open than with Anakin (in some circumstances) or Master Plo. Ahsoka would usually compliment Barriss on her calm on their latest mission together, or just in general. The Togruti Padawan wasn't exactly the calmest person anyone would meet, but Barriss was. Force, if she wasn't, she was pretty close. She never jumped to conclusions or made reckless decisions. The polar opposite of Ahsoka. As much as Barriss wanted to help Ahsoka, it was a seemingly impossible task.

It went without saying that Ahsoka's flaw was something she had to work on by herself. She just wasn't sure how she was going to do it.


	10. Child

When Ahsoka was small, she would run through the woods around her village, playing with all the animals which she loved dearly. She had been an adventurous child, one who would run off into something new without a moment's notice. It was what commonly got her into trouble. Even now it affected her, this adventurous streak that ran through her, in all its reckless and outgoing glory.

As a young child, Ahsoka Tano knew the woods in and out. She knew where the freshest springs were (and she'd bet that they were the most exceptional on Shili), where the animals liked to sleep and make homes, and which parts of the woods were the most visually stunning. Hunters would go off from her village into those woods and come back with a bountiful harvest of which to feed the entire village and to trade with other people.

This had been her life - until it wasn't. When the first Jedi came for her, she hadn't felt right. But everyone pushed her towards this new life with the Jedi. The first Force-user from Shili in the longest of times. It was said that no Force users had ever come from Shili to begin with… But that all could've been lost, had the first fabled Jedi taken her. Then came Master Plo, who saved her from this person. He took her to the Temple, made her feel loved and appreciated and _safe_ in a world she had never known before.

Then, Ahsoka had balanced a crying child on her hip, trying her damndest to keep him from seeing the village they once lived in burn to the ground. He squirmed in her arms, continuing to sob. It only added to the noise surrounding them - the flames crackling below the cliff overhang, the voices of Anakin and the clones, and the _screams_. It was said that his name was Jutta, that he was a Force user. But that wasn't what pulled her toward this child. It was the disappearance of everything he loved, everything he ever had. All of that was enveloped in smoke and flame then. It had been turned to ash before his very eyes - ones that had been pure and innocent only hours ago. And Ahsoka knew how it felt. But before she could help him, she had to get him out of there.

Now she knelt near Hedala Fardi, watching the girl levitate a rock before her. The child placed several in a circle, then looked up to the young woman she knew simply as "Ashla", big brown eyes shining. Ashla looked back at her, recalling Jutta and her own past. Whether she was Ashla or Ahsoka, there was one piece of knowledge that was shared between her alias and her true identity: this was not an easy path.


	11. Destiny

If this was destiny, she wanted to avoid it.

Ahsoka walked away from the Jedi Temple, heart and mind screaming. The only person she could truly trust and love was Anakin, and he wouldn't follow. The Force said one thing, "Leave," while her heart steadfastly opposed. If she had it her way, this would never have happened. It could've been avoidable. She was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. But something told her that this was destiny - she needed to leave the Jedi. Rather, they needed to abandon her. Would Barriss have targeted just anyone? Ahsoka would never know for sure. But she had the feeling that nothing would ever be the same, even if she wasn't the one who was initially framed.

If this was destiny, she had had enough.

On the run from the Empire again, Ashla had been chased away from Thabeska for fear of endangering the Fardis. The Imperial presence in that place was growing, becoming stronger and showing their might with each passing day. She would usually manipulate stormtroopers with the Force (or flirt her way out of the situation if absolutely necessary, although she hated to) if danger was imminent. But they had begun to swarm popular ports all over the planet, and she couldn't risk it. So Ashla took off out of the stratosphere, able to become Ahsoka again - a single intrapersonal moment. For a moment, she missed fourteen-year-old Ahsoka.

If this was destiny, she wanted to punch it in the face.

She was trapped on this musty, empty planet in the middle of nowhere. Her concept of reality was in shreds, her will to live along with it. She wasn't prepared for isolation on Malachor - mentally or physically. There was pain coming from somewhere, although she couldn't tell where because of the blinding presence of the Force. There was also the slight possibility that a psychopathic Zabrak ex-Sith was running around the planet. Darth Maul was not someone she wanted to share a planet with. The woman laughed with all her pent up emotions at the ridiculousness of the situation; how it was stated in her head. Then there was her fight with Anakin. Or was he even Anakin anymore? One thing was for sure: this was the worst fight they'd ever had.

If given a choice, Ahsoka Tano would not hesitate to take her lightsabers to destiny and cut it to shreds.


	12. Dream

Ahsoka feared dreams.

When she dreamed, it was almost like she never had good dreams. Sometimes she would die. Sometimes the people she loved would die. Ahsoka couldn't count how many times she'd watched Anakin, Rex, Obi-Wan, Barriss, Padme, or Master Plo die. It was like her mind was against her all the time. Occasionally she was too scared to sleep - too scared of what her dreams would bring her.

When this occurred, Ahsoka would go to Anakin. Their rooms were connected, as Masters and Padawans shared an apartment-like quarters in the Jedi Temple. Crawling into his bed when she was scared wasn't a very Jedi-like thing to do, but it's what she did regardless. His physical comfort was just something that calmed her down. It would help in any circumstance.

But when her Master wasn't present, she had to deal with her problems alone. Most of the time, she wasn't exactly prepared for that. Dreams were scary; she didn't want to dream.

Although she could find solace in the fact that if she were to dream, experience a premonition, maybe someone she cared about would live to fight another day.


End file.
